Lyrics
CAPTAIN MATT — CROOKED HOOKER
[Spoken Intro]
Three-thirty in the morning.
Matt said this was supposed to be relaxing.
He also brought thirty rods, three screens,
four cameras, and a business plan.
So…we’re off to a healthy start.
[Verse 1]
Alarm went off, Matt flew out of bed,
“Today we catch a giant!” was the first thing he said.
Coffee in one hand, tackle in the other,
Loaded so much gear there was no room for his brother.
Pulled up to the ramp like he owned the place,
Big sunglasses on with a tournament face.
Backed left, pulled right, tried it again,
Had a twelve-boat line and eleven new friends.
Somebody yelled, “Turn it!” Matt yelled, “I know!”
Thirty minutes later, he was ready to go.
Launched that Crooked Hooker, stood proud at the helm—
Then somebody asked, “Why’s the trailer coming as well?”
[Hook]
I’m fishing with Captain Matt tonight,
He’s got seventeen plans and none went right.
Three glowing screens and a map in his hand,
Still somehow fishing on the opposite bank.
But he laughs, “Don’t worry, boys, I know what I’m doing!”
While the wind gets worse and the rain starts brewing.
If we don’t catch a largemouth, that’s all right—
He’ll invent a fishing business before daylight.
[Verse 2]
We hit the first cove, Matt stared at the screen,
Said, “That’s the biggest fish that I’ve ever seen!”
Everybody got quiet; he lined up the cast,
Dropped that lure down and started talking fast.
“Look at him following! Look at that size!
This might be ten—no, eleven!” he cried.
Worked it for twenty minutes, showing serious skill—
Then we realized Matt had found a sunken grill.
He said, “That’s valuable data. Write that one down.
Now we know where appliances live in this town.”
Then a real largemouth slowly entered the frame,
Looked at all fourteen lures and left like it came.
Matt changed the color, the weight, and the line,
Changed rods about fifteen consecutive times.
Fish disappeared; Matt nodded away:
“We learned what he won’t eat. We’re winning today.”
[Hook]
I’m fishing with Captain Matt tonight,
He’s got seventeen plans and none went right.
Three glowing screens and a map in his hand,
Still somehow fishing on the opposite bank.
But he laughs, “Don’t worry, boys, trust my technique!”
Then fishes the very same dock for a week.
If we don’t catch a largemouth, that’s all right—
He’ll purchase more equipment by the end of the night.
[Verse 3]
Around ten o’clock, when the fishing got slow,
Matt said, “I’ve got an idea,” and we all yelled, “No!”
Too late—phone out, buying domains,
Building lake intelligence while watching it rain.
“We’ll sell fishing reports! We’ll make funny shirts!
We’ll rank every marina! I swear this could work!
Guides get profiles, sponsors get space,
And every bait shop gets its own landing page!”
He came to the lake just to clear his mind,
Now he’s got a five-year plan and a brand redesigned.
Fishing pays for fishing—that’s the ultimate mission,
But first he needs another yearly subscription.
He bought new equipment from the middle of the lake,
Said, “This is an asset and a business intake.”
The accountant called back after seeing the price.
Matt whispered, “Tell her it’s landscaping supplies.”
[Bridge]
Where’d you catch it?
Classified.
What did you use?
Classified.
How much was the tackle?
Landscaping supplies.
Did you really need it?
That feels judgmental.
Will you buy more?
It’s already shipping.
[Verse 4]
Late in the day, Matt finally hooked one,
Bent rod, loud drag—now everybody comes running.
He fought that monster like his life was on the line,
Then swung in a largemouth roughly travel-size.
Held it toward the camera, arms stretched straight,
Said, “Get the angle right—this thing looks eight!”
The fish was so small that it looked confused,
Like it wanted an attorney for being publicly used.
At the ramp, Matt said it weighed four or five.
By dinner, that fish was barely under nine.
By Monday morning, according to Matt,
They named part of Chickamauga after that catch.
[Final Hook]
I went fishing with Captain Matt all day,
We caught one little fish and got blown away.
We found a sunken grill and launched a new brand,
Bought more electronics than originally planned.
But we laughed so hard that our faces hurt,
Made memories, made videos, and ordered a shirt.
The Crooked Hooker rolled home under Tennessee light—
And somehow Captain Matt was completely right.
[Spoken Outro]
Captain’s log:
One extremely cooperative little largemouth.
Three new domains.
Two unnecessary purchases.
One missing receipt.
And a sunken grill holding on the perfect spot.
Successful trip.
